Once upon a time there lived a directeur sportif named Snow Whitey. Snow Whitey was a beautiful creature, and could often be seen around town, her mane of blonde hair and curiously prominent ears turning heads at every café. Snow Whitey lived in the kingdom of Garmin with an evil stepmother called Jonathan Vaughters.
One day, the evil stepmother decided that Snow Whitey was too beautiful and her blonde mane too glorious to stay in the kingdom of Garmin. The evil stepmother cast Snow Whitey into the woods and hoped that she would be eaten by hungry sprinters.
Luckily, Snow Whitey had excellent survival instincts cultivated from years of being a domestique for local warlord Lance Armstrong. She survived by eating forest berries and using her ears as giant nets to trap flies and small birds. One day while hunting she happened upon a large Jayco caravan owned by a group of merry dwarfs. There were 7 of them, and each had a name: Robbie, Stuey, Gerro, Durbo, Leigh, Cam and Gossy.
The 7 dwarfs ate together, rode together and dressed the same, in little green suits (probably designed for slightly smaller dwarfs, Snow Whitey suspected). Each day they would leave their caravan on their shiny matching bikes, singing, ‘Hi ho, hi ho, it’s up the road we go,’ as they set to work, digging themselves into holes in the hope of finding diamonds.
Snow Whitey was not a dwarf but did enjoy wearing little tight suits too, and so the 7 dwarfs welcomed her as one of their own. Snow Whitey loved the dwarfs, but every day she thought about her evil stepmother and vowed revenge.
One morning at breakfast, Snow Whitey was sipping her espresso and reading the paper when she saw a story about a race going on in the neighbouring kingdom of Adelaide, in which her evil step-mother would be competing.
‘Look at this!’ Snow Whitey exclaimed. ‘It’s a bike race in the kingdom of Adelaide! Teams 0f 7 race for 5 days over hundreds of kilometres in 40-degree heat! It’s lucky there are 7 of you dwarfs. I will drive in an air-conditioned car behind you.’
The dwarfs looked hesitant, but Snow Whitey assured them that she would look after them and never let them come to any harm from Warnie or troublesome chauffeurs with a history of playing giant animals on morning TV. And so the 7 dwarfs prepared to race. They organised a team training camp where they went golfing and go-karting. They flew around the country wearing matching suits and posed for photos with kangaroos. And, finally, they went to a studio and recorded a team song. At last, they were ready to take on the evil stepmother.
The 7 dwarfs raced hard. They took on giants, convicted dopers and yellow teletubbies on the top of Willunga Hill. By the end of the race, one of the 7 dwarfs was on equal time on GC with another team’s dwarf. Luckily, the race director called upon by-law 1.2.11 of the race rules which stated that, where 2 riders were tied on GC for time, and one rider had won a stage, the leader’s jersey would be given to whichever rider had professionally pre-recorded a team song in the weeks prior to the tour.
‘Phew,’ thought Snow Whitey, ‘I am glad we did not end up shooting that swimsuit calendar that Robbie McEwen wanted.’
And so the dwarfs won, and Snow Whitey beat her evil stepmother, and they all lived happily ever after.